A poem to the mother who battered me

As you swing your hand against my chin

my babyish bones rattle within;

your palm so swift, so hard, so grim,

against my freckly, guiltless skin.

 

I bow my neck, cover my head

with foetal fingers that seek to protect

my sacred centre, locked from view.

But a curled-up child is always your cue

to parade your power, your strength, your hue

that bitterly, darkly claims its due.

 

Inside my head is light and free –

that’s the place you can’t reach me.

 

So, as thunder rams upon my skull,

and in your righteous fury I sense no lull,

I retreat to a place that’s barriered and safe

against which all love will lean and chafe.

 

I first published this poem as part of my MA Creative Writing project: Inktuition – Healing Through the Written Word. It feels appropriate to re-publish it for NaPrWriMo’s Day 12 prompt on saying things I’d like to say, but will never be able to say, to my mother. She is terminally ill with Pick’s Disease, an aggressive and early form of dementia.

 

A poem for NaPoWriMo Noir

NaPoWriMo sets the challenge today

to focus on ‘noir’.

How can I not obey?

A glamorous fringe, sweeping one eye

is hard to resist.

Like a bullet bye-bye.

What’s not to love about murders untraced

that whisper round corners,

waists unlaced.

But my kind of noir travels way within,

to the shadow of self

that’s my evil-ish twin.

Because dark in a mirror without conscience or soul

will haunt my life’s work

like irremovable kohl.

For NaPoWriMo Day Nine

Why a ‘misleading’ DVD makes me question my own writing integrity

inktuition dvd

I prefer the cover of a DVD or book to be explicit about what is implicit.

I am raging. I am SO angry. I can’t believe I bought a movie DVD that seemed to be the authentic article, when really it had misled me into believing it was the real deal.

I’m talking about a DVD I bought in good faith that had the title, image and look of the original movie. Except it wasn’t. The DVD wasn’t fake, as such, but I got caught out.

It wasn’t until a few minutes in to watching the DVD  that I realised I couldn’t connect with the original I’d seen at the cinema. Had we arrived late? Had we just forgotten the opening? I started to become convinced that this strange movie must be a viewing extra we’d missed by turning up to the cinema just on time, trying not to spill your popcorn in the dark, and hoping to have abbreviated the time spent feeling cross with the endless ads and trailers.

I was so angry: If I had spotted that the DVD wasn’t the genuine article before I bought it, I would have been happy with my bargain. But the fact that the DVD marketing company happily played on the distracted, hurried, trusting shopper that I am makes me boil with rage.

And I felt betrayed: One of the comments on the buying site I looked at (when I realised my mistake) was: “Hit the back button and don’t buy this rubbish.” If I remember correctly, I bought the offending DVD from a store (which I believe has now gone into administration). If I was buying the thing online, I would have at least had the chance to review what other writers had said, and take the time to click ‘no’. I wish I’d had the chance.

But ultimately I felt toxic shame: Am I doing this with my own creative work? What if I were to mislead someone in thinking what I was writing was really something else? I come across contorted titles of books, albums and even blog posts that make me think I’m going to expect a particular thing, and yet the reality lets me down.

Is this a gap between expectation and reality? Should we seek ‘obscure’ titles for our work that are understood only by the ‘clever’ inner sanctum, or should we seek to produce a ‘what you see is what you get’ kind of book/article/artwork?

Ultimately, I think my answer to this is don’t try to deceive anyone. Least of all yourself.

I Am Enough: a poem to fight feeling ‘less than’

When somebody makes me feel less than,

Says I’m too much can’t, not enough can,

There’s a fear that jellies my thighs,

And my heartbeats double their size.

 

My essence of soul gets lost

As my fingertips turn to frost.

And I scrabble to save my self-esteem

As it’s chased by monsters in my dreams.

 

My sense of self loses all its shape,

My presence shrivels like a sad old grape.

As I creep away, full of blame and gall,

The shivers of shame make my skin cells crawl.

 

I feel nothing of worth, my confidence kicked,

My value rusted, my optimism pricked.

I retreat to a cave, all dark and dank,

Knowing I’ve only got myself to thank.

 

But at my core there’s a flicker of flame.

Really, this time, is it same again?

Will I let them all tread

On my bowed, mournful head?

Or will I rise from the wreck of this feel-sorry stuff

And say to the world: “I am enough!”

Never mind my inner voice, it’s my gut that tells me what to do

I’ve been tussling with a particularly painful problem, torn between taking a leap of faith (and all the fear that entails) or staying put (with all the ensuing resentment).

I know that all the answers reside within, but that doesn’t stop me turning to friends for their perspective. My inner voice has gone rather quiet, and no forcing will entice it out of hiding. Which is why I’m relieved that my intuition, my inner guidance, mainly tends to come from my gut. I’ve had a knot in my stomach for weeks, as though a fist were clenching my solar plexus.

CSo, to test out the two options in the decision I have to make, I rolled them around in my thoughts, one at a time, to see how my body reacted. Outcome one (staying put and trying to remedy a situation that I feel is beyond repair) kept the fist clenched. Outcome two (jumping out and hoping to make my wings on the way) amazingly unclenched the fist in my stomach. It was as though a scatter of coloured plastic bricks were tumbling into my belly. Free. Creative. Alive.

I guess option two is the one to take. All I need to do is assemble those tumbling bricks into a shape that best suits this new free me.

The yin-yang of career: how to turn contradictory into complementary

If you’re in a career you’re meant to be single-minded. If you’re a therapist you’re meant to be caring. What’s the problem about combining them both?

I’ve struggled with years with people who compartmentalise their lives, splitting off their work persona from their private person. Split being the operative word. They are cut off from who they truly are.

Life has to be black or white. Grey is unpleasant, fuzzy and depressing. Extremes seem contradictory. Polarities seem impossible.

Except what if you get your meaning from opposing things, who is to challenge you otherwise. A boss of mind summed this up today as the business (writer/editor) side and the softer (therapist side) as providing the ideal yin/yang healthy combination of how people can and should operate.

Details aside, it’s nice to be open about one’s self, and be appreciated for it. And, instead of castigating the side of oneself that is perhaps out of step with the other, to perhaps for a second consider the beauty of the opposite. Instead of the ‘you’re wrong’ versus the ‘I’m right.” Think instead of the yin to the yang.

My soul’s lesson for today: what you do, you get more of (whether you want it or not)

On the train to work this morning, I wondered why the person who sat down opposite me needed to finish off eating his tube of mango ice cream (yes, at 8.30 in the morning!) with his fingers (yes, on a crowded train!) The sucking and slurping turned my stomach, and distracted me from a paper I was reading for my project.

Fast forward a couple of hours and I am sitting in a fairly quiet sandwich shop with my laptop, trying to work on said project, and a big bloke sits down beside me, chomps his tuna and cucumber wrap loudly, and licks his fingers with aplomb every time he takes a bite. I only wanted a quiet corner to work on some writing, not to be interrupted by other people’s noisy eating habits!

It’s so annoying to keep magnetising experiences in my life I’d rather do without. (pic: istockphoto.com/michelangelus)

Why have I attracted two annoying people with questionable manners to sit down near me and interrupt me? I can’t think of any reason why I magnetised the noisy eaters into my energy field, other than the fact that I have been delaying putting the finishing touches to my project. And these aural and visual assaults are a consequence of not having committed to my day. Distraction breeds more distraction.

I pressed the snooze button on my alarm one too many times this morning, and so I was late getting the train. I needed to read and take notes but couldn’t do that easily because I had to stand up all the way. Lateness breeds more lateness.

I had my mid-morning snack later than usual today, so I wasn’t hungry when I ordered my lunch. Today they gave me a huge portion that I couldn’t finish because I was still full from earlier. Fullness breeds more fullness.

I think the lesson my soul wants me to remember today is Continue reading

Am I the only writer for whom an MA achievement is an anticlimax?

I’ve been trying to put a name to the feeling that’s mine right now – and all of London’s. Not to big myself up, or minimise the impact of London 2012 and the phenomenal achievements of the Olympians and Paralympians. But there’s something in the air that I’ve been trying to feel, own, and put into words. Without sounding ungrateful. Or like a next-project-obsessed workaholic.

Even the best parties have to come to an end.

OK, so I may be both of those things. At times. But this feeling is like the puckered balloons the day after a mega party. The dust-covered peanuts you find down your sofa weeks after a dinner party. And the sense of having loved (all the guests) and then lost (when they all leave) when you’ve worked so hard and wanted to make every detail a winning, talked-about one. Which parties generally are, and they certainly were for the million people I had to say ‘excuse me’ to, on a way to a meeting through central London at lunchtime yesterday. A million people lined the streets to salute the London 2012 stars.

But my individual deflated feeling, in the midst of all this post-Olympic partying, started with the certificate arriving for my MA. Continue reading

Can mindfulness with our children prevent parenthood regrets?

The biggest regret of parents is not spending enough time with their kids when they were young. They regret working too much, not appreciating that their children would grow up in a flash, not taking enough photos and not going on holiday enough with them. They also regretted worrying about the little things and not letting themselves go and enjoy the moment. That’s according to a survey commissioned by Huggies Little Swimmers nappy brand and published in the Daily Mail.

Mindful of how two-thirds of parents would do things differently if they could, I was more determined than ever to enjoy a half-term break with my eight-year-old daughter mindfully and fully. While she is still young and wanting to play with me.

I was more mindful on holiday with my daughter. With special moments, you either use them or lose them. 

I resolved to pay full attention to how many dives, handstands and lengths she did in the pool (instead of surreptitiously reading my book while pretending to watch her). I applauded when she came down the scariest of scary water slides. And I cheered when she was chosen to go on stage to take part in a tongue-twister competition. I savoured every minute, took as many photos as possible, and I can say I had no regrets about being fully present in the here and now.

Because I, like the parents in the survey, can feel time slipping through my fingers. I blinked and my baby is suddenly nearly as tall as me, and has picked up skills in persuasion, manipulation and negotiation. Each moment I spend with her is tinged with the reminder that this moment won’t come again. And there will be a time when moments like this don’t happen again.

So, I have no regrets about reading that article as a reminder to myself to be mindful. To remember that the human existential condition is such that we only have now. We can either live it fully or let it slip away unnoticed until we feel sad when we spot it in the rear-view mirror.

And the one main regret I certainly don’t have from my weekend away is my decision NOT to go down that scary slide.

Listening to negative people can make you dumb

OK, so it may not come as a surprise that hanging out with people who whinge and complain all the time isn’t good for your spiritual or mental wellbeing. But it turns out that all that negativity has a physical effect on the brain’s ‘muscle’ – and can make you dumb!

This article in Inc, Listening to complainers is bad for your brain, quotes a book by Trevor Blake, entrepreneur and author of Three Simple Steps: A Map to Success in Business and Lifewhich looks at how neuroscientists have measured the impact of complaining on the brain. It can apparently make you negative too  – even if you listen to it on TV or radio.

Blake says: “Typically, people who are complaining don’t want a solution; they just want you to join in the indignity of the whole thing.”

Time to tell them to sort themselves out, remove yourself from the situation – or, as he suggests, imagine you’re surrounding yourself in a protective ‘bubble’ or escaping to a secluded beach. Keep practising that technique, and it’ll keep you calm and free from negative infiltration.